$10,000 Damask Drapes Tell Us All We Need to Know About Deval Patrick
Plus, Buttigieg’s 2000s-era Bernie Sanders fanmail!
|Rubber Chicken Circuit||Nov 15, 2019|| 1|
This was the week that one man entered the race and another threatened to, I spent too much time looking at drapes, and a Shark Tank douchebag said Warren is being “Trumpian.”
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The Big Idea
Men. That’s it. That’s the punchline to the joke that our election cycle has become.
Somehow, just as we all thought that the clown car was emptying out and the lower tier candidates high on the musk of their oversized egos were finally going to end their campaigns, we got two more men who are riding into the race on the hopes and dreams (and dollars) of the wealthy elite. Until MICHAEL BLOOMBERG climbs out of his gold bathtub filled with billions of dollars from his media empire and officially enters the race, let’s keep him on the sidelines and light a prayer candle for him to leave us alone and use his money to help Senate candidates or something else that’s actually useful.
Instead, let’s talk about the donkey in the room with the $10K drapes: DEVAL PATRICK. For those of you who haven’t been keeping up with the Massachusetts legislature or Bain Capital’s LinkedIn feed, there are a few things to know about the guy stealing every last bit of a certain media tycoon’s thunder, sucking the air from the “centrist liberal” lane, and generally just confirming that the 2020 race is a fever dream we can’t wake up from.
Patrick used to be the governor of Massachusetts (the second black governor since the Reconstruction), he’s 63 (old-but-not-too-old), works at Bain Capital (a private equity firm), and he’s not into Medicare-For-All or wealth taxes. Essentially, he’s what would happen if Cory Booker, Joe Biden, and Pete Buttigieg swapped semen and made a baby — enjoy the vision of that ménage à trois burned into your brain the rest of the day.
Why is he entering the race less than three months before the first primary? This may shock you but… money. Let the $10K he dropped on fancy curtains in 2007 for his governor’s office be a totem for Patrick’s career of courting the wealthy while we’re all out here using our bedsheets to block the sunlight from our meager surroundings. He is a beacon of hope for rich people and, surprise surprise, it was only last year that the big-money Reason to Believe PAC helped him raise enormous sums of money from a handful of donors. In 2018, six donors contributed $620,000 and this year, three donors contributed $114,500 — including $50K from the founder of a pharmaceuticals company. That particular Super PAC may have ended but in the time since he announced his campaign, he’s confirmed that he’ll need “some kind” of PAC to compete in the race.
Despite all evidence that voters are actually fine with the crop of candidates we have, Patrick has listened to the whispers of the rich people shaking with fear as they try to eat their caviar in peace. He’s looked at crotchety ole Biden and said: “this ain’t it.” And unlike the rich millionaires and billionaires self-funding their 2020 pipe dreams, we can’t just ignore him. His entry into the race is going to shake things up and maybe even pop the Buttigieg bubble.
Whatever happens, it’ll be a hot mess. All I know right now is that we’re 80 days from the Iowa caucus, 354 days from Election Day, and 0 days away from losing our sanity over another man putting on his clown costume and running for president.
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— Before PETE BUTTIGIEG gaslit himself into believing that he’s always been against Medicare-For-All (he hasn’t), he was winning a high school essay contest in 2000 with a report on how great BERNIE SANDERS was. Do you know what doesn’t age well? Milk. But also, praising Sanders for his “energy, candor, conviction, and ability to bring people together to stand against the current of opportunism, moral compromise, and partisanship.”
— This may surprise you, but when it comes to the youth, “no one is getting JOE BIDEN’s face tattooed on their arms and legs,” much less supporting him. Only 2% of 18- to 29-year-olds in Iowa are riding Uncle Joe’s Amtrak Train of Pain.
— Notable Shark Tank douche and billionaire Mark Cuban thinks that ELIZABETH WARREN is acting “very Trumpian” lately for “demonizing” him and the other 606 billionaires, which is bold when the top 1% holds 32% of the wealth in America while the bottom 50% hold… 1% of the wealth.
— Remember the real-time simulation of the Titanic sinking from last week that represented JULIÁN CASTRO’s campaign? The news that he didn’t qualify for this month’s debate is the part where the ship has cracked in two and people are sliding towards their death in the icy waters.
— If you thought TULSI GABBARD’s chic silver streak in her hair would make the “ladies at the local beauty salon” voting block swoon, think again. Her support with women is “practically nonexistent” and among the people who do support her, they tend to be conservative, Republican, and Trump voters.
Prepare your bodies. The next Democratic debate is on November 20. See you next week for another serving of Rubber Chicken Circuit. If you like this newsletter, please sign up for Study Hall on Patreon. We’ll have more updates soon.