Spotted: Uncle Joe Inappropriately Hugging a Super PAC From Behind
Plus the return of “Who’s That White Guy!”
This was the week that Kamala Harris cut her staff to save her campaign, Julián Castro did a TikTok, and Tulsi Gabbard revealed she’s a Russian Lizard Person.
I’m Chris Erik Thomas. Welcome to Issue 27 of Rubber Chicken Circuit, the weekly election newsletter from Study Hall. PS: If you like this newsletter, hit the HEART button above. It helps us reach more readers.
The Headline
Crazy Rich Crybaby.
Five. That’s the number of pages that billionaire Leon Cooperman wasted on his ranting letter to ELIZABETH WARREN criticizing her stance on the wealthy. How did we get here? First, Cooperman, whose net worth is $3.2 billion, declared that her tax policies were “shitting on” the American dream. In response, Warren said this:
That was apparently enough to send steam shooting out of his ears and so, the letter-writing began. “You proceeded to admonish me (as if a parent chiding an ungrateful child) to ‘pitch in a bit more so everyone else has a chance at the American dream,” he wrote in what I can only assume was a feathered pen dipped in ink made from the blood of the poor. He then lists billionaires who made contributions to charity as proof that she and her “soak-the-rich positions” are misguided.
I’m not sure what gold-plated rock Cooperman is sitting under as he counts his money, but it must be full of other dumb billionaires who don’t understand this very simple fact: Wealthy people attacking Warren or shitting themselves over her rise in the polls is exactly what her supporters love. Seeing her fight back against Wall Street is like an intoxicated gay guy seeing a queen do a death drop at a drag show. People are going to breathlessly mouth “yas queen” as they contribute to her campaign and rewatch Kate McKinnon bringing her Sasha Elizabeth Velourren fantasy to life.
Have feedback or want to slip us a tip? Reply to this or email chris@studyhall.xyz with your scoops and suggestions.
Notable Numbers
2
The number of candidates in the race who can count on the support of a Super PAC (see explainer here) to help their struggling campaign raise money. Last week, ANDREW YANG said he wouldn’t try to stop the MATH PAC, a group that has pledged at least $1 million to support him. But as usual, Yang’s money is a blip on the radar compared to actual frontrunner JOE BIDEN, who decided that billionaires pouring money into his campaign is suddenly okay with him — despite a history of criticizing them. I guess when you’ve got less than $10 million cash on hand and all your big donors maxed out on their $2700 donations, it’s time to pretend to not know anything about the Super PAC run by your ex-aideand corporate lobbyists for health care and finance, then launch an ad about supporting the middle class.
$1.25
The amount that KAMALA HARRIS spent to every $1 she raised in July, August, and September. Gays can’t do math but even I know that spending more than you’re raising isn’t sustainable, which is why the news that she’s cut her campaign staff to try and keep her campaign afloat shouldn’t surprise anyone. Nearly a year after a crowd of 20,000 people showed up to her campaign kickoff in January, the reality is that she really doesn’t have a strong reason to be running beyond becoming America’s Next Cop Superstar.
14
The number of times I watched this TikTok of JULIÁN CASTRO and Joaquin Castro to try and differentiate them. This feels like a deleted scene from Master of Disguise and it definitely is not going to help get Castro into the Oval Office, but at least now he can appeal to Gen Z TikTokers and boyfriend twin voters.
37%
The percent of people who are “definitely or probably not ready” for an openly gay president. The good news for PETE BUTTIGIEG, a gay, is that 50% are “definitely or probably ready” according to the POLITICO/Morning Consult poll of registered voters. So hey, let’s celebrate that! While Mayor Pete is at most a 3 on a scale of 1 to GAY, his affinity for watching Will & Grace reruns with his boring husband is a barrier for black voters according to studies on that voting block. Maybe he can stop learning languages and learn to play the saxophone to win them over?
3:26
The amount of time it takes to watch this video of CORY BOOKER trying and failing to give Meghan “I’m John McCain’s Daughter” McCain a lesson on respecting other people. We all know her seat at the table will far outlast his campaign as long as she keeps going viral, but it was nice to see Booker show off his big Youth Pastor energy with the girls.
Oh, and if politicians answering questions about policies with roundabout answers is your kink, Booker is about to tick all your boxes, baby.
The Leftovers
This Week on… Who’s That White Guy?
He’s old, white, and ready to fucking rage. I know that the man pictured here looks a character played by Tilda Swinton in prosthetics but I promise he is definitely some sort of presidential candidate. Take a guess and scroll to the end of the newsletter for the answer to the question on everyone’s lips: who’s that white guy?
BERNIE SANDERS:Reaffirmed his support for journalists (he’s previously released a plan to save journalism) by tweeting that he stands with the staffers at Deadspin who quit in solidarity after deputy editor Barry Petchesky was fired for not sticking to sports coverage. AMY KLOBUCHAR: This op-ed saying Klobuchar is “moderate Democrats' only hope” is giving me big “Princess Leia in Stars Wars Episode IV: A New Hope energy, if Star Wars was about incremental change and mom jokes.MARIANNE WILLIAMSON: Props to my Crystal Healing Queen for being the first candidate to talk about reparations in a campaign ad. TOM STEYER: He’s now spent nearly $41 million on a campaign “that appears to be almost entirely lifeless.”BETO O’ROURKE:Got heckled by a Trump supporter during a meeting with gun control activists in Newtown. Sadly, he did not challenge her to a skate-off in the parking lot to settle their differences. TULSI GABBARD: In a shocking twist, she took off her human suit and revealed she’s not a Russian agent...she’s a LIZARD PERSON.Just kidding she’s still probably an agent of Russia and/or Republicans.
Trump Check
Trump is Officially the “Florida Man” of Our Nightmares.
Only two words can properly sum up the batshit insane state hanging off America like Lance Armstrong’s doped up, lopsided scrotum: Florida Man. For years, the “Florida Man” has been responsible for breaking into crocodile enclosures and leaving behind a pair of Crocs, stabbing tourists with scissors despite having no arms, going to a Christmas festival to scream “Santa isn’t real” at children, and so many other things. He’s everyone and nobody. He represents the chaos of the modern world and serves as a reminder to avoid Florida at all costs.
Now, in the most fitting twist in the strange simulation we’re all stuck inside, Donald Trump is officially a Florida Man. He submitted a “declaration of domicile” to move his primary residence from New York to Florida, which makes sense considering that besides unhinged men, Florida is also famous for being the place old people go to die.
WHO’S THAT WHITE GUY? It’s 2004 presidential candidate Joe Lieberman. Sorry for the deception but really, if I told you this man was running for president right now, you’d believe me. See you next week for another serving of Rubber Chicken Circuit. If you like this update, please hit the HEART button below! It helps us reach more readers.
