The Circuit: Reboots and Ramblef*ckery
Issue 3 of Rubber Chicken Circuit, an election newsletter from Study Hall
There are 266 days left until the Iowa caucus but the race already feels like a bad sitcom called Biden and Company. While the Amtrak Masseuse maintains a dominating lead in polls, it feels like every other candidate is trying to salvage their sagging campaigns.
This is the Reboots and Ramblefuckery edition of The Circuit and we have: “A plan for that,” Electric Boogaloos, campaign reboots, SeaWorld, identity politics, The Killers, sharksucking fish, and one very lonely Wayne Messam supporter.
This is Chris Thomas. Welcome to Issue 3 of Rubber Chicken Circuit, the weekly election newsletter from Study Hall. Read more about us, subscribe here and forward us to your friends!
Headliners
ELIZABETH WARREN: The policy tortoise in a race full of ramblefuckery.
In every race, there are rapid-fire hares and slow and steady tortoises. The wonky, policy-focused Warren 2020 campaign is the ultimate tortoise. Since announcing her campaign in February, she’s released more ironclad policies than any other major candidate (hey, Beto!) while swimming through an ocean of “why isn’t she catching on” op-eds.
We may be at a turning point though because people are starting to notice the policy tortoise’s slow march onward — solidified with Thursday’s splashy Time Magazine cover story featuring the candidate’s signature line: “I’ve got a plan for that.” Of course, saying that Warren’s campaign is focused on substance rather than theatrics is old news but a few days after the Time story hit newsstands, a Politico report highlighted how her pledge to fight the opioid crisis won the respect of Trump’s MAGA crowds. Leave it to the media to keep Warren out of the “likeability” discussion until word gets out that red hat Republicans are clapping for her.
Her hot streak shows no signs of stopping because yesterday, she snatched the wig of “the worst Secretary of Education we’ve seen,” Betsy DeVos. Besides calling her that, she pledged to make the next Secretary of Education a public school teacher. Let this be a lesson to everyone. While other campaigns are trying to hit the reset button, failing to launch, or getting praised for not saying dumb shit, Warren is out here doing the heavy lifting of policy-making week after week. As Twitter user Christopher Bouzy so eloquently said:
BETO O’ROURKE: Return of the Beto: Electric Boogaloo.
Allow me to re-introduce myself. My name is Beto (oh) B-to-the-eto. It was only two months ago that, after a long “will he or won’t he” dance with a presidential campaign, Beto finally burst into the race with a glowing Vanity Fair cover story. Man, he was just “born to be in it.” But since then, the almost-Senator’s campaign has looked more like his sad dog than that of the Great White Hope he was supposed to be. His polling has tanked and his days of basking in the glow of being the next big thing have ceded to Mayor Pete.
That could all change as he takes a cue from Hollywood and goes full reboot ahead of next month’s debates. The plan for don’t-call-it-Beto-2.0? An onslaught of media appearances starting with The View today and (I hope you’re not standing on a lunch counter for this) actual policy proposals! Yes, those things people like Elizabeth Warren have been churning out for months are finally making their way to Camp Beto.
It couldn’t come at a better time either, as the media’s gone sour on the Texan and pivoted from glowing profiles to scathing takedowns — see Politico Magazine’s cover story on the privileged “failed-upward” rise of Beto and The Intercept’s exposé of Beto’s new hire, Jeff Berman. The veteran campaigner is known for bringing his expertise in delegate selection to Obama’s campaign. Less known (until now) is that Berman lobbied for the Keystone XL pipeline, SeaWorld, and private prisons. Trying to fit that minefield of a background into Beto’s fading image as a liberal is like trying to fit a whale into a tank at an amusement park: it’s just not good for anyone.
JOE BIDEN: Can anything stop the Amtrak Masseuse in his tracks?
In the smoldering wreckage of the 2016 election, a “silent majority” undetected by pollsters taught us that polling could be dangerously wrong. Three years later and there seems to be a new majority and this time, it isn’t silent. By every metric, Joe Biden is crushing his Democratic competitors. He’s consistently polling double-digits ahead of every other candidate, he’s shockingly gaffe-free (so far), and past controversies are bouncing off of him like bullets against Superman.
Biden has become the “electable” guiding light for moderates and centrists alike and, for now at least, it looks like the Amtrak Masseuse’s path to the primaries shows no signs of slowing down. The only hope is Han Solo... Sorry. No. Wrong narrative. The only hope is the overstuffed Democratic debates that’ll begin next month with a battle royale of nearly two dozen candidates.
Should his unstoppable surge continue, the next best prize for his competition will be becoming Vice President. That may seem a far ways out (and it is) but that didn’t stop the Congressional Black Caucus from talking up Kamala Harris as the perfect counterweight to Biden’s dusty, centrist image.
The Pack
PETE BUTTIGIEG: “Tear down the walls” of identity politics and get that $, honey.
Boot-Edge-Edge served up his (slightly bland but somehow universally appealing) tea this past weekend. Speaking at the Human Rights Campaign's annual gala, Mayor Pete talked about the corrosive effect of identity politics on America, saying: “What I worry about are the very real walls being put up between us as we get divided and carved up” before committing himself to using his story, energy, alliances, and privilege as a white gay man to “throw myself into tearing down those walls.” It’s a good soundbite for the intellectual gay crowd he’s been pulling to rallies, but is a woke white gay with a shaky history with South Bend’s African American community the best person to take on identity politics across the entire country?
Despite that lingering question, the moment served as a perfect smokescreen to keep up his image as America’s brainy boy-next-door as he continues to court California’s wealthy elite and steal Kamala Harris’ thunder. What’s the political counterweight to $25-a-head grassroots fundraisers? $250 per person receptions at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house, $2,800 checks for a photo with Mayor Pete at Claire and Brian Goldsmith’s event, and next month’s party at Ryan Murphy’s house. The only way that last one will be worth the neoliberal headache is if we get video of Buttigieg voguing for a spot on Pose.
KAMALA HARRIS: “A constitutional crisis” (potentially).
California’s former “top cop” is notoriously cautious but on Sunday, Harris seemed to wade into the murky waters of constitutionality. On CNN’s “State of the Union,” she broke down the situation to Jake Tapper. “A constitutional crisis is generally when the system we set up with checks and balances, when each of the independent co-equal branches of government fails to perform its duties and I think we're seeing the breakdown of responsibilities," she said in her signature prosecutorial style. "I think it's fair to say we're looking at a crisis of confidence, potentially a constitutional crisis."
It’s one thing to say that we’re “potentially” in a crisis, of course. What actually matters is what Harris and other Democrats will do to stop the crisis in its tracks. If she’s really trying to reset her “truth” and “justice” campaign to take a harder line against the president, it’s time to go hard or go home.
BERNIE SANDERS: Baby there’s a loan shark in the water.
In a sentence that sounds like liberal fanfic, Senator Sanders is taking on the shark infested waters of the payday loan industry with Senator Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. The Loan Shark Prevention Act is AOC’s first major piece of legislation but includes a policy Bernie has been batting around for years: a 15 percent interest rate cap on all consumer loans.
Besides a cap that would destroy loan sharks faster than global warming will kill off actual sharks, it also makes post offices cool again for the under-65 crowd. The plan would let the nation’s 31,000 post offices dust off their counters and start issuing simple bank accounts and short-term loans for the first time since 1967 (which is 22 years before AOC was born and 26 years after Sanders was). Suddenly our drunk purchase of Forever 21’s USPS fashion line doesn’t feel like a mistake!
CORY BOOKER: Comparing Warren to Trump (and immediately backtracking).
Big yikes over at the Cory “I got a boo” Booker camp. Over the weekend, the Senator said that Elizabeth Warren’s call to break up the country’s most powerful tech companies was “a Donald Trump thing to say.” He also said that you shouldn’t go around talking about breaking them up “without any kind of process,” which is exactly what she isn’t doing. Maybe he can take a break from sending love songs to Rosario Dawson and take 7 minutes to read Warren’s incredibly detailed plan to bring competition back to the tech sector.
ANDREW YANG: #YangGang Rising?
If the Taiwanese-American former tech entrepreneur isn’t on your radar, that may change today. The candidate will spend his Tuesday evening taking over New York City’s Washington Square Park for his “BIGGEST RALLY YET.” The all-caps event could cement his status as a major player in the 2020 horse race if people actually show up. We know from experience not to trust how many people are “going” or “interested” in an event on Facebook (see: my sad, sparse 27th birthday party), but after two big features on the rise of the Yang Gang on Time Magazine and The Washington Post this week, we’re cautiously optimistic about his park-packing rally.
The Leftovers
KIRSTEN GILLIBRAND: The Killers’ #1 Stan.
Call her Mrs. Brightside. While every other candidate is trying to pivot their entire campaign strategy to target Trump or Biden, the ranch dressing obstructor is having the political equivalent of Girl’s Trip as she rocks out to The Killers at spin class with her smoothie-sipping “Gillibrand posse.” She may not hit ever the fundraising threshold laid out by the DNC or poll above 1%, but at least she’s won over America’s drag mom, RuPaul.
JULIÁN CASTRO: Meet the history-making black woman behind his campaign.
While most of the news about Castro this week has focused on his campaign’s decision to unionize, there’s a great New York Times story hidden in the haystack about Maya Rupert. The first-time campaigner is the third black woman to ever run a presidential campaign — after Donna Brazile helped Al Gore in 2000 and Maggie Williams worked on part of Hillary Clinton’s 2008 run.
ERIC SWALWELL: Sharksucking his way to the middle.
Actually, maybe sharksucking his way to the upper bottom. The Californian took a cue from remora fish that famously latch onto bigger animals like sharks when he dropped by Vulture to fact-check the final episode of Veep with 2020’s breakout star, Mayor Pete. Will it lead to anything besides an excuse to talk about remora fish? Probably not, but while we’re on the subject...
AMY KLOBUCHAR: The “Arya Stark” of 2020, according to someone who pulled a muscle with this Westeros-sized stretch. MARIANNE WILLIAMSON: Oprah’s spiritual advisor hits 65,000 donors. MICHAEL BENNET: Trump’s the “most fiscally irresponsible president” in generations. TULSI GABBARD: Ron Paul wants a Gabbard presidency. MIKE GRAVEL: Also wants a Gabbard presidency; is still being held hostage by two teens in a trenchcoat. SETH MOULTON: Fox News contributor Marie Harf joins Team Moulton. TIM RYAN: Trump “doesn’t give a shit” about the Constitution. JOHN HICKENLOOPER: Still trying to become the “save capitalism” candidate. JAY INSLEE: “Brb, on my way to defeat climate change.” JOHN DELANEY: 2020’s “most moderate” candidate still hasn't hit 65,000 donors. BILL WELD: Trump "would rather be a king than a president.” WAYNE MESSAM: CNN found a Messam supporter!
The Trump Check:
An Energy Efficient Light in the Darkness
We could write an entire newsletter about what the fuck Trump is up to every week but we’re already living in an inescapable hellscape of Trump coverage called life so instead, we’re going to talk about lightbulbs. No, not as a metaphor for the darkness our democracy is falling into. Actual, real lightbulbs — specifically the energy efficient ones.
We’ve come a long way since convincing ourselves to ignore the weird spiraling shape of compact fluorescent bulbs and stick them in our sockets. Since 2010, traditional light bulbs sales plummeted from 68% to 6% as of 2016. Energy efficient bulbs have spread quicker than measles outbreaks in rich California GOOP-loving counties. If this good news and optimism is suspicious given that this is ~The Trump Check~, you’re right. This is Trump’s America and in Trump’s America, he wants to Make Light Bulbs Wasteful Again.
A new proposal by the Department of Energy would eliminate Obama-era efficiency standards for half the light bulbs on the market, but the bulbs aren’t going down without a fight. A bipartisan mix of state attorneys general and governors in Washington, Colorado, and half a dozen other states are either passing or considering legislation that would protect bulbs from their dark past (pun definitely intended). Plus, it’s probably illegal because federal law prohibits a backslide on efficiency standards.
The rollback hasn’t taken effect yet but let this fight for the future of the humble light bulb serve an important lesson as a microcosm for America’s political problems (a light in the darkness, if you will): When faced with the Trump cabinet’s lawbreaking ways, maybe it is possible for Democrats and Republicans to come together and fight the good fight. To keep the lights on.
As Michael Corleone once said, “Keep your friends close and your sharksuckers closer.” See you next week for another serving of Rubber Chicken Circuit.
