I’m Chris Erik Thomas. Welcome to Issue 22 of Rubber Chicken Circuit, the weekly election newsletter from Study Hall. Read more about us, subscribe here, and forward us to your friends! Hit the like ♥ button above to help us get more readers.
Sorry to these men (and women), but all the 2020 candidates have taken a temporary backseat to sorting out the shitstorm that is the Trump Impeachment Party. If you really need to know what kind of food John Delaney is seducing us with this week or which plan Elizabeth Warren unveiled, skip down to The Leftovers. Otherwise, strap in and welcome to the Trumpocalypse.
The Trump Impeachment Party Extravaganza
A few years ago, I ate too much of a marijuana edible while home alone one night. I told myself it “wasn’t that much,” but then I woke up on my couch in the morning fully clothed and clutching a stick of butter. I tell this story because last week, the first four words of Trump Check were literally: “Forget Trump (This Week).” This week’s impeachment news? It’s that stick of butter.
The difference here is that rather than recoiling in fear and throwing it away, I’m holding it and examining it. I’m also realizing that maybe this is a weird analogy but I’m too lost in the sauce to go back so I just keep digging the grave deeper, which is, ironically, exactly how Trump is handling his impeachable phone call with Ukranian President, Volodymyr Zelensky.
Assuming that none of you live under an internet-equipped-but-Trump-averse rock, the big bombshell of the year can be summed up in one long sentence:
Nancy Pelosi officially announced an impeachment inquiry against President Donald Trump because, in a July 25 phone call, Trump not only pressured Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky to investigate presidential candidate Joe Biden’s son Hunter’s connection to a Ukranian natural gas company but also, Trump may have intentionally withheld 391 million in aid to Ukraine until Zelensky agreed to help investigate Biden.
That’s a lot of information and it doesn’t even cover how Trump’s administration tried to block a whistleblower report that uncovered the phone call, which you can read the text of here if that’s your kink.
Notable Trump Numbers
8
The number of takeaways the New York Times came up with after reading the Whistle-Blower complaint. And as bad as some of the NYT writers may be at writing non-offensive tweets about sexual assault or coping with being called a bedbug, they are pretty good at listicles breaking down serious topics. This one does not disappoint and, while it may not tell you 8 great ways to corner someone at a party to talk about astrology like a Buzzfeed listicle would, it did help explain how absolutely fucked the Trump White House is (see: hiding official transcripts).
3
The number of dots necessary to form an ellipse, which is a punctuation mark used to remove words, phrases, lines, and entire paragraphs from quoted passages. To the surprise of literally nobody, the partial transcript of Trump’s phone call with the Ukrainian President is full of ellipses, but this is the one to remember because it could be omitting the most important part of the call: “Biden went around bragging that he stopped the prosecution so if you can look into it... It sounds horrible to me.”
2
The number of presidents who have been successfully impeached. But before you order your balloons and cake or start putting the “peach” in impeachment Call Me By Your Name-style, you should probably know that neither Andrew Johnson or Bill Clinton were successfully removed from office despite Senate trials. And then there’s Nixon who, despite being the most famous example of impeachment, was never actually impeached because he resigned first, which is the presidential equivalent of saying “you can’t fire me because I QUIT.”
0
The number of Republican lawmakers who support an impeachment inquiry, which is a pretty solid representation of how fucked our government is. Why actually take action against a president who’s taking one long shit on the Constitution when you can just bury your head in the proverbial sand and, when asked about supporting impeachment, simply reply “Hell NO!” like North Carolina’s Dan Bishop? America!
The Leftovers
And Tulsi Makes 12.
The grey-streak of military remembrance is so powerful, y’all. Right before all hell broke loose in D.C., the big news was that TULSI GABBARD became the 12th person to qualify for October’s Democratic debate. Honestly, this could be her best debate ever if the Trump/Ukraine stuff keeps going until mid-October. She may be a bit odd (and is probably still frenemies with Syrian President Bashar al-Assad) but the woman knows her way around foreign policy discussions — Kamala Harris watch your back, girl.
JOE BIDEN: Here’s everything you wanted to ask about the false narrative that Joe Biden got a prosecutor fired in Ukraine to protect his son Hunter’s business dealings. ELIZABETH WARREN: Wall Street Democrats are so scared of her that they’d rather sit out the election or back Trump than help her, which will play right into that whole “anti-big-money” message that’s turning her into 2020’s new frontrunner. BERNIE SANDERS: His wealth tax plan took a big page from Warren's campaign (shocker), but his plan would make billionaires go extinct. KAMALA HARRIS: Her poll numbers are slipping in most states, but maybe she can turn it around by harnessing the badass prosecutor energy she’s shown before? PETE BUTTIGIEG: A buttoned-up gay giving a bunch of people on a bus total access to him sounds like the start to a porno, but it’s just Mayor Pete’s weird homage to John McCain’s famous 2000-era Straight Talk Express tour. BETO O’ROURKE: "Not Ready to Make Nice" by Dixie Chicks + saying “fuck” + punk rock = his “couldn’t-care-less’ campaign style. JULIÁN CASTRO: Said in an email to supporters that if he doesn’t meet the November debate requirements, “it will be the end of [his] campaign.” CORY BOOKER: He’s very hopeful that Republicans will eventually support impeachment. ANDREW YANG: Still thinks that Shane Gillis shouldn’t have been fired from SNL despite the comedian's history of racist, Islamophobic, homophobic, and misogynistic jokes. AMY KLOBUCHAR: Bless the power of her binder-throwing fits of rage for producing this perfect tweet.
MARIANNE WILLIAMSON: Please read this takedown of the spiritual snob trifecta that is Marianne Williamson, Jack Dorsey, and Gwyneth Paltrow. TIM RYAN: Loves to nibble on his wife’s fresh cinnamon muffins while staring into the abyss with his tired, bug eyes. MICHAEL BENNET: He may never hit 15% in polling, but he does have a $15 million fortune. Unfortunately, it comes from his work in the private sector with Republican megadonor Philip Anschutz. STEVE BULLOCK: Became the first candidate to sit down with a Native American newspaper to talk about issues impacting Indian Country. JOE SESTAK: The guy polling at .3% nationally “remains determined to let people know he's running for president.” TOM STEYER: After spending millions to try and impeach Trump, he definitely had a boner when he found out about the big news live on MSNBC. JOHN DELANEY: And the horniest headline of the election goes to…
Are John Delaney’s biceps making you horny? Seek help (and see you next week for your regularly scheduled serving of Rubber Chicken Circuit). Hit the like ♥ button below to help us get more readers.