BDSM Allegations? Elizabeth Warren Has a Plan For That.
Plus, let the Q3 fundraising cockfight commence!
A fight over gun buy-back programs, heart surgery shakes up the electability argument, and four delusional men who won’t give up on their presidential dreams. This is the Dominatrix in Chief edition.
I’m Chris Erik Thomas. Welcome to Issue 23 of Rubber Chicken Circuit, the weekly election newsletter from Study Hall. PS: If you like this newsletter, hit the HEART button above. It helps us reach more readers.
The Headline
Don’t Bring Reality to a Gun Fight.
There are an estimated 16 million AR-15s and AK-47s in the U.S. For any kind of buy-back program, that’s a huge challenge, especially if it becomes legally mandated to give them up, which is what BETO O’ROURKE wants. The Texas candidate famously said, “Hell yes, we're gonna take your AR-15, your AK-47" at the last debate and now, his stance has found a new opponent: PETE BUTTIGIEG.
Both Buttigieg and O’Rourke spoke at a gun control policy forum in las Vegas on Wednesday and during Mayor Pete’s discussion, he called Beto’s mandatory buy-back program a “shiny object [that] makes it harder for us to focus.” Not a great look when the crowd is full of March For Our Lives supporters who support a buy-back. The new “I’ve run out of fucks to give” version of O’Rourke responded by saying Buttigieg “represents a kind of politics that is focused on poll-testing and focus-group-driving and triangulating and listening to consultants, before you arrive at a position.”
Calling out Mayor Pete for being a robotic political normie is pretty spot-on but this buy-back program is really, really wishful thinking. We already have Trump supporters threatening civil war and ranchers getting away with armed standoffs against the government. America’s love affair with assault weapons has produced millions of these guns. Somehow passing a law requiring people to give them back to a government they don’t trust is ridiculous. If small-scale attempts at this haven’t worked, why would a national buy-back suddenly be the magic ticket to the U.S. getting 16 million assault rifles out of homes?
I hope that this gun control fight gets some airtime when they’re onstage at the October debate, but that may also be as ridiculous as a buy-back program considering that the overstuffed stage will have 12 candidates desperately trying to talk for five seconds. The bad news is that I doubt anything of substance is going to happen no matter what the topic is, but the good news is that, even at three hours, it’ll be shorter than the three and a half hours you’ll spend trying not to pee yourself when you watch The Irishman.
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Notable Numbers
2
The number of stents put into BERNIE SANDERS’ heart after doctors discovered a blockage in one of his arteries. During an election so focused on electability, it’s definitely worth being worried about the long-term viability of the 78-year-old candidate, but there’s absolutely no way he’s going to end his campaign — especially after he raised an insane $25.3 million in Q3. If that number proved anything, it’s that there are two narratives this election cycle for Sanders: one has his campaign in disarray, his health in trouble, and his poll numbers sliding, while the other one has him maintaining his status as the king of small-donor donations with a rabid fanbase. We’ll see how these two narratives play out at the Oct. 15 debate.
$15,200,000
The fundraising total for JOE BIDEN in Q3. Not only is that a steep decline from Q2’s total of $22 million, but it also lags behind Buttigieg’s $19.1 million, Warren’s $24.6 million, and Sanders’ $25.3 million. He may get 96% of his donations from donors giving less than $200, but when two candidates who’ve sworn off big money are beating him by millions, it isn’t a good sign. Call me crazy, but maybe Americans are realizing that it’s not a great strategy to have a Democratic frontrunner entangled in allegations about his son’s business dealings while Papa Joe was VP?
25
The age of a former Marine who accused ELIZABETH WARREN of being his dominatrix. I wish I was joking. At a very official driveway press conference, Kelvin Whelly detailed his alleged sexual relationship with Warren, which included BDSM and an escort site called COWBOYS4ANGELS. The briefing was another terrible hoax orchestrated by right-wing provocateurs Jack Burkman and Jacob Wohl; the latter of which, it should be noted, was charged with a felony in California last month for unlawfully selling security investments. If this whole ordeal has taught us anything, it’s to never trust a man who has a replica of Vin Deisel’s XXX tattoo on his neck and injures himself trying to take down a swing. Warren subtweeted about the ordeal by shouting out her college’s mascot, a cougar, and then moving on to bigger things like her huge $24.6 million fundraising total for Q3.
-11%
The drop in support for KAMALA HARRIS since July among California voters. I’ve covered her crumbling home state advantage before but it really can’t be understated how troubled her campaign has become. In a new poll, her support slid from a 19% frontrunning peak in July to only 8% — trailing far behind Warren’s 23%, Biden’s 22%, and Sanders’ 21%. She better go all-in on dominating the overstuffed October debate or all of her pivots and staff shakeups are going to be useless as she slides into obscurity.
1
The number of ducks that AMY KLOBUCHAR has murdered while playing golf. Taking on the title of 2020’s Accidental Woodland Animal Killer from groundhog slayer Bill de Blasio, Klobuchar said that while playing, she “misfired on the first try and the ball hit a duck in the head, and it appeared to perish.”
$10,000,000
The amount of money that ANDREW YANG raised in Q3. It’s an impressive number,almost double CORY BOOKER’s $6M, but you wouldn’t know that from watching the news. In graphics on both CNNand MSNBC, the candidate’s $10M haul is skipped over while Booker’s total is shown. I’m usually not one for conspiracy theories (besides the very true Avril Lavigne Death Clone theory), but this is going to give a lot of fuel to the #YangMediaBlackout truthers, which will then lead to more donations to his campaign from angry supporters. New conspiracy: is a Yang media blackout is the best thing that can happen for his fundraising totals?
The Leftovers
“I Really Want to Know (Who Are You? Who, Who, Who, Who?)”
A reminder that JOE SESTAK, TIM RYAN, WAYNE MESSAM, and JOHN DELANEYare still running for president because there’s nothing quite as big as a man’s ego in the face of impossible odds.
JULIÁN CASTRO:His brother Joaquin offered to take on the role of Julián Castro on SNL after the show was criticized for “erasing” him from a town hall sketch.Not exactly a stretch given they just made history for their first Asian cast member. MARIANNE WILLIAMSON: The spirit energy queen raised $3M in Q3, which is double her Q2 fundraising, but not nearly enough for her to be taken seriously. TULSI GABBARD:While everyone waits to see what candidate she’ll attack in this month’s debate (Kamala watch your back), back home 60% of Hawaiians in her district want Gabbard to drop out of the race. MICHAEL BENNET: Yes, his $2.1 million in fundraising for Q3 is $700K less than Q2, but it’s also $2.1 million more than it should be. Stop giving this slice of white bread your money, America! STEVE BULLOCK:What do you do when your campaign is riding the struggle bus? Apply for public funding, which definitely helped Martin O’Malley and Jill Stein’s campaigns in 2016. TOM STEYER:The billionaire who bought his way into the election started the investment firm that made him his fortune because he loves “doing puzzles."
Trump Check
“Ain’t Nothin’ Gonna Happen.”
Those were the words of Kenan Thompson in an SNL sketch that was 10% about Trump’s odds of impeachment and, let’s be honest, 90% about the scene falling apart with a mistimed costume change that left the cast struggling to finish the sketch. If only reality could be so funny. But it can’t, so here we are, discussing the latest escalation in this saga. But first, watch the sketch. Laugh and feel joy before the cold hard weight of reality sets in.
Hello, welcome back. Trump has decided the best way to respond to the news that he pressured Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky to investigate Joe Biden’s son Hunter’s connection to a Ukranian natural gas company (and intentionally withheld $391 million in aid to Ukraine until Zelensky agreed to help investigate Biden) is to double-down and publicly ask both Ukraine AND China to investigate Joe Biden and his son. Why is Trump so brazenly stupid and willing to lean into the impeachable act of soliciting help from a foreign government to interfere in an election? Probably because he’s done so many awful, terriblethings in the last three years (and even in the last three months) that we’re almost literally numb to it because he has never faced punishment for his actions. Democrats may be frothing at the mouth at the idea of forcing Trump out of office but I’m with Kenan here. Unless Republicans grow a spine and turn against Trump… ain’t nothin’ gonna happen.
If you need me, I’ll be writing Warren BDSM fanfic. See you next week for another serving of Rubber Chicken Circuit. If you like this update, please hit the heart button below! It helps us reach more readers.
