The Circuit: ‘Fox News’ Fights, ‘Goofy Grapes,’ and Moooore White Guys
There are now 24 Democrats running for president and, of them, nine are white guys who are as recognizable as Lord Robin “Milk Boy” Arryn in the Game of Thrones finale. We’ve fallen into our own Westeros-sized mess of secondary characters. If you can tell the difference between Steve Bullock, Eric Swalwell, Seth Moulton, Michael Bennet, and Tim Ryan, I commend you.
This is the “DJ Khaled voice: ‘Another One’” edition of The Circuit and we have: two more white guys, abortion legislation, Fox News fights, “Goofy Grapes,” Russophiles, a Green New Deal on steroids, charter school bans, and brick wall suits.
I’m Chris Thomas. Welcome to Issue 4 of Rubber Chicken Circuit, the weekly election newsletter from Study Hall. Read more about us, subscribe here and forward us to your friends!
Headliners
ELIZABETH WARREN: Ready to fix abortion legislation and your love life.
If you thought that Elizabeth “I Have A Plan For That” Warren wouldn’t serve the policy tea in the abortion fight, shame on you. In response to Alabama’s total ban on abortions (even in the case of rape or incest), she laid out a series of proposals under the title Congress Can Protect Choice. They include a repeal of the Hyde Amendment, which stops publicly funded health care programs like Medicaid from covering abortion, and a bill called the Women’s Health Protection Act, which would overturn state-level obstacles to abortion.
Like her catalog of other proposals, this one is stuffed with details, but the idea that it’d pass through a Congress so deeply divided on abortion seems far-fetched. Especially when less than 1 percent of GOP lawmakers are abortion-rights supporters right now and Democrats are fleeing Senate races like they’re the plague. The odds are against her, but Warren has always been up for fights large and small, which might explain the other role she’s stepped into this week: matchmaker. No wonder she’s the most likeable candidate in a new Iowa poll.
PETE BUTTIGIEG: After slamming their biggest hosts, Fox News slams back.
At a Fox News town hall Sunday night, America’s favorite boring gay man won some viral street cred when he described Trump’s tweets as “grotesque” and called out Tucker Carlson and Laura Ingraham for their anti-immigrant rhetoric on their own network. before getting a standing ovation from the crowd in his closing remarks.
It seemed like the rising star had notched another victory, but biting the hand that feeds you 1.1 million viewers always comes with risks. After Trump took to Twitter to complain, Monday morning’s Fox & Friends crew put on their lipstick to kiss the president’s ass, mock Buttigieg’s “extremely progressive” policies, and accuse the mayor of only getting applause because he stocked the event with his “friends.”
TULSI GABBARD: A wild “Goofy Grapes” Russophile story emerges!
On Friday, The Daily Beast published a report that accused Tulsi Gabbard’s campaign of “being boosted by Putin apologists.” Like one of Stefon’s nightclub reviews, this story had everything. There’s an anonymous donation from a Russia Today staffer with the alias “Goofy Grapes”, a meeting with Syrian President Bashar al-Assad, Susan Sarandon makes an appearance, as does an international food distribution company with ties to Iran. And The Joe Rogan Experience and KKK leader David Duke are even in there too!
It’s a lot to unpack, and at face value, exposé could almost seem like a bombshell, if not for some big plot holes: Much of the story focuses on campaign donations from Russophiles (Russia supporters, not fans of the Marvel Cinematic Universe directors, the Russo Brothers). But the article also admits that “financial support from prominent pro-Russian voices in the U.S. is a small portion of the total she’s raised,” before throwing Susan Sarandon (Jill Stein’s biggest fan in 2016) into the mix for donation $500. Why? Why not!
Could Gabbard be a Russian operative? Maybe. I don’t have the time or cyberhacking skills to figure that out. All I ask is that we take Red Scare 2020 takedowns with a Siberian-sized grain of salt.
KIRSTIN GILLIBRAND: Leading the fight against Trump’s “war on America's women."
It’s a bittersweet victory but, in the wake of Alabama’s draconian abortion law, Gillibrand may have found herself at the heart and soul of an issue she might be able lead the pack with. Before the bill had even passed, the New York Senator was pledging to only nominate judges who will uphold Roe v. Wade and, after Alabama, has taken aim at Trump’s administration for starting “a war on America's women.”
This could finally be the moment Gillbrand needs, but the path to the debate stage is already proving rocky for the financially troubled candidate. She’s still reaching for the magic 65,000 donor threshold to qualify for the debates that other seemingly less-known candidates (see: Oprah’s spirit guru Marianne Williamson) have achieved.
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The Pack
JOE BIDEN: Nostalgia is a hell of a drug.
An “epiphany.” That’s what the Amtrak Masseuse expects every single Republican will have if Trump loses in 2020. They’ll all link arms with Democrats and skip into a bipartisan time machine back to America before Trump. Or maybe before Obama? Mr. Masseuse seems to have amnesia and forgotten the eight years of Republicans obstructionism that led to Merrick Garland being blocked from the Supreme Court, and many of Obama's federal judge picks being blocked. Hey, nostalgia is a hell of a drug and Biden running on unity rather than fighting on policy is a smart move (since his policy record is sketchy at best). But unity hasn’t existed for a long time in D.C. It seems Biden is really hoping less for unity, and more for collective amnesia.
KAMALA HARRIS: Bridging the gender wage gap.
The California Senator announced a new “pillar” of her ongoing economic proposals that would punish companies that don’t pay women and men equally. Right now, white women make 80 cents on the dollar, black women make 61 cents, and Latinas make 52 cents. Under her plan, companies would “be fined 1% of their profits for every 1% of the wage gap allowed to persist.” Companies could try to skirt this legislation if we get President Harris but judging by how she verbally destroys everyone in her path on the House Judiciary Committee, we’d advise against crossing her.
BERNIE SANDERS: Sanders v. The State of Education.
A week after Elizabeth Warren pledged to make the next Secretary of Education a public school teacher, Bernie Sanders brought out his plan for fixing our education system. He introduced the "Thurgood Marshall Plan for Public Education” this weekend, a 10-point plan that fights racial discrimination and school segregation, bans charter schools, gives teachers a raise, and stengthens the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act, among other things. It’s a necessary overhaul for an education system that gave $23 billion more in funding to mostly white school districts in 2016 and has only gotten worse since then.
For the history buffs, the name of this plan comes from the lawyer behind Brown v. Board of Education, the landmark 1954 Supreme Court case that made segregation in public schools unconstitutional.
But is a candidate who asks innocent children whether they’ve ever seen cocaine really qualified to institute bold education reform? IDK, probably.
JAY INSLEE: Green New Deal on steroids wins over the internet.
Besides my dissertation on the feminist credentials of Halle Berry’s Catwoman, what is 38 pages, 15,000 words, and overly ambitious? Jay Inslee’s Evergreen Economy Plan. This Green New Deal on steroids is only part two of the Washington governor’s sweeping package of climate proposals so expect three or four more tomes to land in the coming weeks. The odds are slim that Inslee will make it to the Oval Office to enact any of it, but the plan is so packed with specifics that it’s tailor made to be used by any candidates in the race if they decide to put the planet ahead of their pride.
CORY BOOKER: “An Open Letter to Men on Abortion.”
In the political aftermath of Alabama’s abortion ban, the New Jersey senator released an op-ed on GQ urging men to take action to fight abortion legislation. It isn’t exactly a risky position, but it was nice to see him call out pro-life legislation for disproportionately affecting communities of color and people in low-income and rural areas. Also interesting to see GQ taking a break from guides to the best Basic White T-Shirts for woke essays on abortion. Teen Vogue watch your back!
The Leftovers
BILL DE BLASIO: 2020’s biggest joke had his announcement spoiled by a teenager.
Despite seventy-six per cent of New York City voters saying he shouldn’t run, the NYC mayor is in it to win it (even though he will definitely lose it). But the real story isn’t his entry into the crowd. It’s that Gabe Fliesher, a 17-year-old high school student in St. Louis, scooped his campaign announcement a day early from a Facebook post that spelled De Blasio as “di Blasio.”
STEVE BULLOCK: (DJ Khaled voice) “Another one!”
Bad news if you thought that all the stale white men had left their local Olive Garden and entered the presidential race by now. Somehow, another one has come out of the woodwork (bread-stick-work?). Montana’s attorney general continues the troubling trend of Democrats sidestepping Senate races to run for president. All these D-list interchangeable white guys are either wildly confident about their odds or are just jockeying for consideration for a future Cabinet position.
MARIANNE WILLIAMSON: A “Lefty With Soul.” BETO O’ROURKE: “Here’s how I'd stop gun violence.” MICHAEL BENNET: Slightly less forgettable now that I know he smiles like he just won bingo night. ERIC SWALWELL: “Trying Real Hard to Stay in the 2020 Race.” SETH MOULTON: Asked 33.4 million young Americans to join the military, which… yikes. WAYNE MESSAM: "Mayor Wayne Messam does not have any upcoming events." MIKE GRAVEL: Still being held ransom by his socialist Meme Teens kidnappers. AMY KLOBUCHAR: Raised $17,000 from ex-boyfriends during her 2006 Senate run. JULIÁN CASTRO: #PeopleFirstEducation now, funding details later. TIM RYAN: Changed his mind on abortion after speaking to people who actually have a uterus. JOHN HICKENLOOPER: Will pour a beer for you in exchange for donations and attention. BILL WELD: “The most pro-choice person you're ever going to meet." ANDREW YANG: The crypto currency candidate. JOHN DELANEY: Well, who are you? (who, who, who, who?)
The Trump Check
Subpoenas, Sneakers, and a brick Border Wall suit.
It’s redundant to say that it’s been a busy week for the president and trying to explain everything would make all of our heads explode like that scene in Scanners. So here’s the gist:
We’re still almost at war with Iran because Trump tweets on the weekend more than a 20-something eating ice cream in bed at 4AM while thirst-watching videos of Shawn Mendes smiling (see: me). Though it should be noted that saying “Shawn Mendes could [REDACTED] my [REDACTED]” is less destructive than saying “if Iran wants to fight, that will be the official end of Iran.”
Streetwear staples Nike and Adidas have joined other companies in urging Trump to reconsider his shoe tariffs on China. Maybe the real secret to the trade war is threatening hypebeasts with skyrocketing prices on the latest sneaker drop?
A federal judge upheld Democrats’ subpoena for Trump’s financial records on Monday. This happened as the President urged former White House counsel Donald F. McGahn II to skip Tuesday’s hearing over Russia obstruction. Can’t keep up with the big stew of subpoenas and stonewalling that has spiraled out of control? Here’s a guide to the 29 investigations (more than one for every presidential candidate!) related to Trump right now.
Now, in perhaps the most important news of the week, a man in a suit covered in a brick wall pattern that looks ripped from a 1998 GeoCities website met Trump at a rally. Walk, walk fashion baby. Work it make us all go crazy.
How many more white men will make us scream in frustration as they enter the race? Find out next week as we return with another serving of Rubber Chicken Circuit.
